Mark Twain Mocks Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions, in Wide-Ranging New Interview

‘If you have to swallow a frog, don’t stare at it too long,’ Mark Twain says of 2018 vote.

 In an exclusive posthumous interview broadcast yesterday via GoogleSeanc satellite, iconic American author Mark Twain sounded off about the Trump Administration, Jeff Sessions and even Dick Cheney.

Mark Twain: ‘I prefer Hell’

“I have a higher and grander standard than George Washington,”  he said. “He could not tell a lie. I can, but I won’t. At least not this time.”

Twain went on: “Suppose you’re an idiot,” he said. “And then suppose you’re Donald Trump. But I repeat myself.”

It could undoubtedly be shown by facts and figures, Twain observed, that there is no distinctly American criminal class “except the Republican Congress and the Trump family.”

Lighting up his trusty pipe, he added: “Like diapers, politicians should be changed often, and for the same reason. I can’t believe you folk actually have a politician named Santorum. Anyway, I say flush ’em all down the toilet bowl of history, then add a big shot of Monsanto weed killer.

“They won’t be back, not even if genetically modified, like Eric Trump Have you seen his teeth?”

The great author observed that after flushing, “Republicans go to Heaven for the climate, but to Hell for the company.

“And,” he added, “I hope, for a little injustice — doing unto them, etc. Each place has its own advantages.”

Mr Twain said that he himself, “while eligible,” had rejected heaven, like his semi-autobiographical character, Huck Finn.

“There’s no laughter up there,” he noted sadly, “and no tobacco either, so I’m not interested.”

Without laughter and something good to smoke, he said, Paradise itself was just an endless church service.

“I can’t stand all that goody-two-shoes-amen stuff for more than an hour,” he said, “never mind eternity. So I chose to go to Hell. At least it’s not cold and tales of my death can’t be exaggerated.”

Twain admitted that since becoming immortal in 1910 there had been times “when I would have liked to hang the whole damned human race and finish the farce. Hitler, Stalin and ISIS, for example.

“But then there’s human laughter,” he said, “the greatest blessing and most effective political weapon we have. Against its assault nothing can stand” — he dropped his voice — “not even the Gates of Hell itself.”

The Charlie Hebdo massacre, he pointed out, was never about depicting Mohammed. “It was really about mocking Islam,” he said. “That’s why they all got shot up — to silence the laughter.”

The famed humorist said that in addition he had some mockings of his own to share. About Donald Trump he observed: “That bloated windbag is proof that all you need to succeed in America is ignorance and self-confidence.”

He added: “When red-headed people rise above a certain social grade, their hair turns blond. You can see he’s had a transplant. I rest my case.”

Twain noted that a special place in the Inferno had been prepared for Dick Cheney and his “outboard motor,” George W. Bush.

“A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies,” he said of the former vice-president and his claims about Iraq.

“So he’ll be water-boarded for a few centuries, and then for the rest of eternity will be forced to reach for an oozing barrel of oil that swings tantalizingly out of reach as soon as its within his grasp.

“In the evenings he’ll be force-fed a quart of Iraqi crude while Saddam Hussein fracks out his liver by rectal rehydration and then eats it raw. That’s one of Saddam’s milder punishments, by the way.”

On Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “Cauliflowers are nothing but cabbages with a college education. Sessions is a bowl of collard greens.”

Concerning current public education he said: “In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made  Betsy DeVos.”

Twain emphasized that despite his dislike of organized religion, he had it “on the Highest authority” that Pope Francis “is currently speaking for the deity Himself” on the environment.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example,” Mark Twain said. “But Francis’s sound heart is a surer guide than the ill-trained consciences of his followers.

“Look at those disgusting ignoramuses Pat Robertson and Jim Bakker, plus the so-called Christians on the Supreme Court. And by the way,” he added, Scalia is cooking nicely.”

Twain stuck his finger in his mouth and gagged like a buzzard eating road kill.

“The fact that they’re condemning the Pope as ‘the most dangerous man on the planet,’” he said, “shows he must be on the right track. That’s what they used to say about Jesus. And me. Maybe not so much about me.”

Addressing Climate-Change Deniers like Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) and his famous snowball stunt, Twain laughed aloud.  “if they won’t learn from Hurricane Harvey, maybe Irma will do it.

“Get your facts right first, Jim,” he said, “and then you can distort them. And Jim, it’s better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

On Mitch McConnel: “A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looks like he’s waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”

As for Chris Christie and Bridgegate: “The difference between reality and fiction, Chris, is that fiction needs to be credible.”

Vermont senator Bernie Sanders earned this comment: “I like Bernie, but whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority it’s time to pause and reflect.” He added: “There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.”

The Missouri sage also had some advice for the Democratic Party. “Why not go out on a limb, folks? That’s where the fruit is.”

As for Fox News: “Those con artists never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Unfortunately, a well put-together unreality is pretty hard to beat.”

Mark Twain said that the American electorate was in for a hard, uphill slog before reaching November 2018 and the beginning of the 2020 election cycle.

His best advice was this: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

“But,” he added, “don’t stare at it too long before swallowing.”