‘ISIS is even lower than Hitler, Stalin and Trump,’ says Beelzebub, in unprecedented move
The Satanic Council announced today that a new and unimaginably horrific Tenth Level of Hell has been opened up for the ISIS officers and agents responsible for the destruction of ancient works of art and sculpture in Syria and Iraq.
Individual fire-and-brimstone rooms will be set aside for the Taliban and other demented cultists who have blown-up Buddhas, defaced pharaohnic kings and gods, slashed priceless paintings and burned precious religious manuscripts.
A Laszlo Thoth Room commemorates the lunatic who attacked Michelangelo’s Pieta in 1972. Offenders will be turned into living, sentient stone, systematically beaten into a fine powder with the same sledgehammers they themselves used, consumed by a slow fire, and then reconstructed so the whole thing can happen all over again.
The Council’s members include Himself (The Devil, honorary chair), Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer and of course Mephistopheles.
In a unanimous statement marked by the burning of black sulphurous smoke, members said that the present Ninth Region of Hell, which houses and eternally torments Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin (with a spot already reserved for Donald Trump), is now considered to be insufficiently horrific and painful for those responsible for the recent smashings and burnings of antiquities and works of art.
“Their frightening nihilism has appalled even us,” said Council spokesdemon, Beelzebub.
“At first we thought we might have some use for them, especially during their wonderful beheading phase, but then they started destroying images even of us, real devils, along with all the goody-goody, two-shoes saints. So that’s what started us thinking.”
Beelzebub scratched the base of his left horn. “After lengthy discussions among ourselves,” he continued, “we realized that in some ways they were even worse than the Nazis and Stalin, and that the Ninth Region wasn’t nearly bad enough.”
The Limb of Satan went on: “Because for all their brutality and book burnings, even the Nazis finally understood and respected the importance of art. They didn’t destroy it, they just looted it.”
Beelzebub added that the level and nature of the torments to be installed in the Tenth Region were still being designed by Disneyland imagineers sentenced to the Third Region for coming up with the It’s A Small World ride and especially its infuriating, earworm of a song. “They have to listen to ‘It’s a Small World After All.’ for eternity,” he said, evilly humming.
Beelzebub noted that while Hell’s usual fire, brimstone, screams of the damned and torture implements, etc., would be freely employed, a high degree of customization would also be built into the Tenth Region.
“For example, when they get here,” Beelzebub said, “all hot and horny for their 72 virgins, we act surprised and then yell, ‘April Fool! It’s not 72 virgins, it’s just one 72-year old virgin!’
“Based on our interpretation of the Koran, of course,” Beelzebub laughed devilishly. “You should just see some of their faces.”
“Then we escort them to our It’s A Small World replica and make them get on with their new 72 year-old virgin. We tell them the ride’s forever but really it’s only a couple of thousand years. Then it’s on to Mr Toad’s Wild Ride for another couple of millennia, etc. We have lots of time down here and the whole of Disneyland, Six Flags, etc., to explore. I especially like them hanging upside down on the Ferris Wheel for a few centuries.”
Beelzebub noted that Hell gets its 72-year old virgins “from up there, you know, The Other Place. They’ve got tons of old nuns and assorted earthly prudes only too ready to come down here on the off-chance that they’ll eventually get laid.
“Ironically, some of them finally do find heaven in Hell. There’s a lesson in that,” he added.