Jesus Shaves! Paul Ryan’s ‘Muslim Beard’ Sparks Shaving Frenzy among Patriotic Americans

‘Facial hair is the work of Allah himself,’ proclaims new ‘Jesus Shaves!’ Republican movement

Mobil AL January 1, 2016

Throughout Appalachia and the American south today horrified and panicked Mountain Men – and a few Mountain Women – sought to remove their beards and other facial hair as quickly as possible.

As sales of electric and hand-held razors spiked almost everywhere, shares in Gillette and Schick blew holes in the Dow. Walgreens and CVS stores in the south were broken into, their shelves and back rooms picked clean of anything resembling a razor, even the pink adolescent-girl kind with flowers and Disney characters.

Bearded “desperados,” unable to get their hands on manufactured razors, knelt weeping by the roadside, clawing and scraping at their chins with rocks and sticks.

Others smeared depilatory creams over their cheeks and ran screaming in chemical agony down the highways. Two brothers accidentally sliced open their own throats trying to shave with broken beer bottles.

Many if not all of the possessed appear to be members or supporters of the new Jesus Shaves! patriotic movement, a rapidly ballooning “tea party” within the Tea Party, which holds that beards are actually “the work of Satan-Allah, and have no place in a God-fearing, Christian nation.”

According to Jesus Shaves! spokeswoman, Ima Nutts, “It’s a matter of hair today, gone tomorrow.”

Any adult US male, Ms Nutts warned, who is less than completely clean shaven — “and no exceptions for mustaches!” — is in danger of being outed as a “Secret Satan-Muslimist” or, at the very least, a “Mus-Symp,” or Muslim sympathizer.

Such people, said Ms Nutts, just naturally tend to be liberals and/or believers in the Constitution’s non-establishment clause.

“So we encourage city police to shoot them on sight,” she smiled, “since obviously they can get away with it.”

Ima Nutts went on to explain that the Jesus Shaves! movement “just sprang spontaneously into life last week” when House Speaker, Paul Ryan (R-WI), “suddenly grew a thick, black Muslim beard and began blatantly cooperating with the President!”

Since Obama is an openly secret Muslim, Ms Nutts continued – she knew about Obama’s Secret Muslimism after hearing it repeated daily in the media for the past eight years – Paul Ryan had, in her opinion, finally tipped his own evil Mohammedan hand.

“He’s obviously a secret Muslim too,” she said, shaking her head.

“I don’t know how we missed it in the past. Probably because he was clean-shaven. The Bible clearly warns us that the Devil may shave whiskers for his purpose.”

Ms Nutts added that even the slightest facial hair, never mind a “huge, ugly imam’s beard” like Ryan’s, suggests a suspicious softness towards the evils of Satanic-Muslimism.

In Congress, she said, the right-wing Freedom Caucus, aka the Tea Party, had begun drafting new legislation banning “any and all Muslim-like” facial hair.

“When all beards are illegal, only the illegal will have beards,” Ms Nutts pointed out palindromatically. “Our view is that if you look like a Muslim, you are one. Sikh and ye shall find,” she quipped.

“Besides,” the spokeslady concluded, “it will make things a whole lot easier when the time comes to round them up.

“Oops, scratch that.”