Putin Announces ‘World’s Biggest Dick’ Contest, Expects to Win Hands Down

World leaders quick to respond to Putin’s stiff challenge

Russian president Vladimir Putin announced in Moscow today that in light of World Cup fever, his government will sponsor a “World’s Biggest Dick” contest in 2016.

“We need to distract people from the Crimea and the Ukraine,” Putin explained, stressing that only entries from certified world leaders would be allowed.

“Ron Jeremy can keep his aging bird in its nest,” he added with a sarcastic laugh. Applications must be received by November 2016.

“Of course, the Soviet Union — excuse me, the Russian Federation — will win hands down,” Putin continued.

“I work out shirtlessly every day and as the world knows my muscles are large, firm and unusually prominent. All over, tovarisch,” he added, “if you know what I mean.”

In Paris, French president Francois Hollande was quick to accept the challenge.

“The prowess of we French lovers is legendary,” he said. “L’amour and voulex vous couchez avec moi and all zat.”

Accordion music tinkled faintly and the smell of burned sugar hovered in the air. The Eiffel Tower stood there.

“Besides,” Hollande went on, lighting a pungent Gauloise cigarette from a blue pack, “it’s obvious I’ve got something special, n’est-ce pas?

He added with his irresistible Gallic charm: “Look at zis face and zis body, and zen check out les femmes dans ma vie!”

I was forced to admit that he probably had a very solid point.

C’est si bon,” he wound up, entirely in French. “Maurice Chevalier, l’arc de Triomphe et les crepes suzettes.”

President Obama said he was carefully reviewing Putin’s challenge, and after consultations might have a response sometime in the near future, perhaps. He wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, he was drawing a red line in the sand and warning Putin not to cross it, at least not too often.

“I am half-black, after all,” Obama said. “And you know what that means. If I enter, I’ve got a 50-50 shot at winning. Maybe.”

Obama added that he would outreach in a bipartisan way to the GOP and invite them to send a representative, too, since they are effectively running the country anyway.

“Despite his orange glow and weepy eyes, John Boehner could be a serious candidate,” Obama said, “if he would only pronounce his name correctly.”

Antony Weiner had already texted his entry but was ruled out because he was no longer in office.

Putin’s announcement was not universally welcomed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel denounced it as “sexist,” pointing out that by definition it was impossible for her to win, no matter how big a prick she had made of herself over Greece.

She said she was consulting with attorneys to see whether strap-ons counted. If they did, Merkel said, Putin would be hearing from her in a very big way.

Back in the US, Dick Cheney also formally threw his hat into the ring.

“Let’s face it, I am the biggest political dick in the world,” he said, “by far. No one can even touch me, especially after I criticized Obama for messing up in Iraq.”

“Never in the field of human endeavor have so many lies been uttered by someone so unworthy and so soon,” said Mr. Cheney, adding, “Winston Churchill said that, sort of, so quoting him just compounds my disgusting effrontery.”

Former US president George W. Bush gloomily agreed. “I coulda been a contender,” he said. “Instead of a bum, which is what I am.”

Sen. John McCain declared that the US should “accept Putin’s challenge and bomb Russia.”