Hitler, from Hell, Defends 1938 Invasion

“Like my pal Dick Cheney, I believe what I did was the right thing,” says the flaming fuehrer.

Interviewed last night via GoogleSeance™ satellite, former German Fuehrer Adolf Hitler said passionately that he has no regrets about his decision to invade the Sudetenland in 1938

Hitler added that he had been prompted to speak up by Dick Cheney’s “masterful interview” with Anderson Cooper last night. “God, I wish I’d had television,” he sighed, “especially Fox.”

Speaking from the Depths of Hell, to which he is eternally confined, the ex-Fuehrer added that his invasion of Czechoslovakia, like Operation Iraqi Freedom, “was the right thing to do at the time. I believed it then and I believe it now. Like the Bush administration, I have no apologies.”

The former Reichskanzler, who ruled Germany from 1933 until his suicide in 1945, at the end of World War II, said that given the intelligence available in 1938, his government had no alternative but to invade “preemptively.”

“Even knowing what we know today,” he added between gasps of pain as the Devil’s Tormentors relentlessly plied their task, “it was a really good deal. The world was a better and safer place afterwards. The years of war, destruction and human misery that followed were well worth it.”

“Hell Hitler,” as his fellow devilish inmates mockingly call him, noted that at the time of his invasion, Czechoslovakia possessed vast energy resources, especially coal and oil.

These facts alone, Hitler said, entitled “Germany, the greatest country in the world” to seize them “for the greater good of humanity, and of course for Prescott Bush in America, who bankrolled us for a cut in the profits.”

The fired-up fuehrer said between yelps of pain that the “God-given doctrine of German Exceptionalism,” meant that Deutschland was and always would be “uber Alles.”

Anybody who disagreed should go back to wherever they came from, or at least a concentration camp.

The Reich’s unfortunate defeat in World War II, Hitler said, and its subsequent withdrawal from Czechoslovakia and other occupied territories, was the result of his successors’ “feckless foreign policy” and “military weakness.”

He went on: “Contrary to the historical facts, we left Europe in great shape. But then, I’m not a scientist. If only our policies had been continued.”

As the flames consumed him, Hitler blamed the Greek crisis, the rise of China and the Fukushima nuclear disaster on later German governments for withdrawing too soon.

“Imagine if Germany still had 100,000 troops in Czechoslovakia today,” his voice echoed from deep inside a sea of molten lava.

 

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