Grumpy Santa Vows No Xmas Gifts for Climate Deniers

Basement flooded, elves refusing to work under water, Mrs Claus leaving – jolly old elf is pissed

A visibly grumpy Santa Claus announced today that he would “absolutely not” be making gift deliveries to GOP “climate deniers” this year.

“You think because that idiot Inhofe can make a snowball in winter we’re not drowning up here?” he said. “What, he hasn’t seen the polar bear pictures? These lunatics must be stopped!”

The not-so-jolly old elf pulled an official USGS thermometer from under his beard.

“See that?” he said, waving it. “The difference between freezing and thawing is just one muthaffukin degree. Excuse me, that’s Inuit for ‘a small amount.’

“Thirty-two it freezes, thirty-three it melts. These days the Arctic’s getting up to a fathafukkin 57 in the summer.”

Santa said that one result was that the basement in his home under the North Pole, where the elves labored, was now flooded almost the whole year round.

“The poor, moldy little green buggers,” he said feelingly, “now have to work outside sweating in almost tropical temperatures. It’s inhuman, these are snow-elves.

“Hungry polar bears come sniffing around and last week,” Santa’s eyes moistened, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Unfortunately, not anymore.”

Santa said that things had gotten so bad Mrs. Claus was threatening to leave. “She says unless I do something about the water situation, well, she’s had a very tempting offer from Wotan in Valhalla. That’s where we originally came from, you know.”

After a “war council” with the elves and a couple of the leading reindeer, Santa continued, the Xmas community had decided to cut all climate deniers from their gift list.

“Yeah, we know who’s been naughty and nice,” he continued menacingly. “There are advantages to being a godlet, even an imaginary one.”

The once kindly old semi-deity polished his glasses on his sleeve.

“First non-gift,” he growled, “is that the worst of those koksukers — Inuit for ignorant, money-grubbing narcissistic swine — is gonna get impeached. You Know Who. He’s also gonna get a big lump of clean coal in his stocking. Maybe two.”

For a moment Santa almost looked like his old roly-poly self. Then he frowned again.

“But my second non-gift will be even better!” he said. “After Mein Trumpf gets his ass whupped in 2020, I’m gonna give those CDers — Climate Deniers — President Bernie Sanders!

“Plus 100% gun control, free abortions at government-funded Planned Parenthood clinics, lots of industry regulations limiting carbon emissions, a jobs program focused on infrastructure repair, single-payer medical care and a foreign policy whose objectives are peace and not war!

“Merry Christmas, almost everyone!”