Famed British Sleuth Says James Comey’s Testimony is ‘More Full of Misdirections and Sleights of Hand than a Circus Conjuror’
LONDON – Sherlock Holmes, the celebrated Victorian private eye, emerged from the shadows of literary history last night to repeat his famous question, “Why didn’t the watchdog bark?”
Interviewed via GoogleSeance satellite by Rachel Maddow, the famous detective said that the FBI’s failure to investigate President Trump “is directly analogous to the case of the missing race horse, Silver Blaze, as detailed by my biographer, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
In Doyle’s account, the following critical exchange takes place between Holmes and Scotland Yard’s dunderhead Inspector Gregory:
Gregory: Is there any other point to which you would wish to draw my attention?
Holmes: Yes, to the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.
Gregory: The dog did nothing in the night-time.
Holmes: That was the curious incident!
“It was elementary, my dear Maddow,” Holmes continued last night. “I immediately grasped the significance of the silence of the dog. Obviously the midnight visitor was someone whom the dog knew well. It was the horse’s owner who removed Silver Blaze from his stall and led him out on to the moor.”
Adjusting his deer stalker, Holmes drew the parallel: “In the same way, Comey’s failure to launch an investigation into President Trump himself, when everyone else associated with his campaign was and still is under scrutiny, including his son-in-law, shows that the FBI Director was quietly protecting the arch-criminal.
“Knowing that he couldn’t openly agree to Trump’s demand for personal loyalty, Comey nevertheless sought to provide the required assurance by shielding the President from direct investigation. Three times he informed him that was the case.
“Comey thus hoped to hang on to his job which, as he himself revealed in his recent testimony, was in deep jeopardy. There is nothing more deceptive,” he added, “than the obvious.”
Holmes concluded the interview by noting that the FBI Director had again signaled his partisanship by the way he handled Hillary Clinton’s emails, “which, as the whole world knows, successfully torpedoed her campaign in its final days and rescued Trump’s floundering candidacy.
“Comey hoped Trump would understand that while he couldn’t openly pledge his loyalty, the President could reliably count on him when the chips were down.
“Unfortunately for him, the Orange Idiot was too involved with himself to recognize the gift silently proffered, with consequences we all now know.
“Comey’s testimony is his revenge while still covering his own rear. He has emerged from this mess with his reputation intact. The ex-Director is, as you Americans say, one really smart cookie.”