Naked presidential hopefuls will hunt each other down, survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules.
NEW YORK August 8, 2015
Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show in which the remaining GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.”
The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee for president in 2016.
Fox’s president and de facto Republican Party Chairman, Roger Ailes, said at a news conference that candidates would be flown out to Yora Goosa Isa Kookt, a tiny atoll in the South Pacific with nothing but palm trees, a small spring and a flock of rare Yora geese, for whom it is named.
Donald Trump would not be allowed to use his own helicopter, but all candidates could bring a single weapon of their own choice.
Ted Cruz, for example, was bringing an AR-15 wrapped in bacon, while Lindsey Graham would be armed with “an industrial-strength blender containing a cell phone.”
Ailes added: “Cruz believes that if he fails to get his opponents with the rifle, the nitrates and cholesterol in the bacon should do the trick. And Lindsey has a frightening sneer.”
Among other weapons, GOP front runner Donald Trump would bring only his own monstrous ego, using it to drain all the oxygen out of the air. However, Ailes said, the likely highlight of the first day would be “killing the pig,” i.e., the bloated billionaire, who is scheduled to be hunted down by the rest in a “tasteful reenactment” of the famous episode in Lord of the Flies.
Megyn Kelly would “gleefully but professionally” provide the commentary for this part of the debate. After Piggy’s death, organizers say, the pack will roast him over a celebratory bonfire and then deal with one another. The Donald Trump Roast will go down in history.
Ailes went on to note that Rick Santorum was bringing a huge Bible to thump everyone with. Mike Huckabee, going one better, had decided to “rely on the Word of Almighty God alone.”
It was expected that along with Trump, both would be making an early exit.
The only weapon explicitly banned, Ailes said, was Chris Christie’s stomach, which the New Jersey governor would be required to keep covered at all times.
“Like the Medusa’s head, it’s too disgusting and horrible to view,” Ailes said, adding that Christie’s big fat mouth would keep him competitive, “just as it has until now.”
“And I really hope,” Ailes shuddered, “that Christie doesn’t also fetch along any of his birth-control methods. Just thinking about him having sex is nauseating, and I deal with Rupert Murdoch on a regular basis.”
Among the other candidates, Ailes noted, Rand Paul was bringing the entire US tax code and a box of matches.
He had also developed something called the “Perry Oops,” a secret weapon allowing him to “disappear” other candidates by failing to remember their names one out of three times.
In response to a reporter’s question, Ailes said that he was confident Carly Fiorina would be able to compete on equal terms with her male rivals. He pointed out that she is equipped “with a set of balls far larger than any of them,” and that she intends to use her testicular superiority to beat them into submission, “just like she did the so-called men at Hewlett Packard.”
Dr Ben Carson’s strategy was to bore everyone to death. “He’s bringing a podium,” said Ailes, “and will simply keep talking until the rest commit suicide or die of old age in their seats.”