‘Keeper of the Queen Corgis,’ Nancy Fenwick, Tells all in Shocking New Book
The stunning news this week that Her Majesty the Queen is letting her Corgis die out was eclipsed by the even more shattering announcement that the former “Keeper of the Queen Corgis,” Nancy Fenwick, is writing a “no-holes barred” (sic), tell-all book about the outrageous lives and habits of the dandy randy bitches at Buckingham Palace.
The wife of former Royal Gamekeeper Bill Fenwick, Nancy Fenwick watched over the Queen’s canines for more than 30 years, keeping a daily log of each royal animal’s dietary needs, sleeping preferences, quirks, bed-timevkinks and sexual practices, “no matter how perverse.”
After being retired along with the dogs, she is now “ready to rip the veil off” the scandalous taxpayer funded, sex-and-food petting parties in the Palace’s kitchens and darker stairwells, not to mention the lawns outside.
“And when I say perverse,” added Mrs Fenwick at her book launch in London, “I mean, well, animal-like. You’d be surprised at what those dogs do in private, not to mention in public. They make Charles and Andrew look almost normal.”
“Not Prince Philip, though — and as for Camilla,” she rolled her eyes, “well, Charles certainly didn’t marry her for her looks, did he?”
According to Sebastian Sleaze, acquisitions editor at Dirty Books, Inc., who paid Mrs Fenwick a ridiculous sum, “Nancy’s account blows the lid off the dark world of Buckingham Palace’s long-suspected pet-parties involving ‘bitches in heat’ and ‘doggy-style’ sex acts.”
“Their lust and sensuality were uncontrolled,” he said of the Corgis, “and not always expressed in private. Auto oral pleasure was frequently indulged in by the males, while others publicly urinated and had bowel movements on Buckingham Palace’s lawn, which Nancy’s poor husband had to clean up.
“Worse, sometimes the legs of politicians and foreign leaders got ruthlessly humped. Benjamin Netanyahu totally freaked. However, apparently Margaret Thatcher visited just for the sexual attention.”
Sleaze noted that Monty, Emma, Linnet, Willow and Holly (the Queen’s Corgis) had a passionate “menage a cinq” in which “big-balled Monty freely enjoyed his harem each night,” after cuddles with the Queen (but never before, according to Royal command).
The inevitable royal puppies were secretly placed in aristocratic homes to preserve the bloodline.
Sleaze said that among the Corgis’ most memorable foreign admirers were President and Mrs Clinton, who visited the palace more than once.
“Nancy recalls that Bill took a particular shine to Linnet,” he noted, “and frequently disappeared with her.”
“She also remembers once hearing Hillary outside a locked bathroom door shouting, ‘Bill, are you in there with that little bitch again?’ and he called back, ‘That all depends on what the meaning of in is. Can you ask Liz — no, better make it Phil — if they have any fabric cleaner?’”
Editor’s Note: Nancy Fenwick’s Gone to the Dogs: My Life as Puppy Pimp and Pooper Scopper for the Queen of England Herself, and How it Irretrievably Changed the History of the World (Dirty Books, 2015) is available from disreputable stores everywhere.
Another Note: Why Mrs Fenwick is called Keeper of the Queen Corgis, and not Keeper of the Queen’s Corgis, is just one of those quaint little British quirks we all know and love and will never understand.