“Li’l Johnny Legend needs to chill,” the President sneered about this year’s recipient. “He should go to a good, old-fashioned Rocky movie to see a real hunk. Me!”
by Michael Egan
WASHINGTON DC—President Donald J. Trump demanded today that People magazine revoke its 2019 “Sexiest Man Alive” award to singer John Legend, and instead confer it on him.
“So ridiculous,” Trump tweeted from his Golden Throne early this morning, after ten or fifteen attempts at flushing.
“Legend or Leg-End or whatever it is,” he twot, “John needs to work on his Anger Management problem which a lot of people are saying he’s got. Believe me, it’s a disgrace. Sad!”
Trump added: “But if Li’l Johnny wants to see a real Sexiest Man Alive, he and a friend, if he has one, should go to an old-fashioned Make America Great Again movie like Rocky’s Eleven, starring me! So chill, Li’l Johnny, chill!”
Later Trump told a reporter before boarding Marine One: “A lotta people don’t know this, but they photoshopped Sylvester Stallion’s head on my body in those Rocky movies so that he could look good getting sick of winning after being so unfairly treated by the other side.”
Trump went on to say that “not surprisingly” no Photoshopping had been necessary on the crotch of his US-flag boxing shorts.
“Like I told ya before,” he leered, “I don’t got no problems down there, believe me. It’s a witch hunt and hoax and a sham put out by the fake-news media that I got a little problem. Well, I don’t. I got a BIG problem, a yuuge one, okay?
“Every one of my wives and Stormy Daniels has told me that I’m the biggest dick they’ve ever seen, and believe me they should know. In fact, Melania said just the other day that I’m undoubtedly the biggest dick on the entire planet. So there was no need for any enhancement work on those boxing shorts, okay?”
The President stretched out his arms in a familiar gesture. “However, not so much luck for that other guy, Stallion, right? I mean in real life he didn’t do so well in the Nielsen ratings, did he? I mean that Brigitte or Bigtits or whatever she’s called dumped him, right? Adrienne! Adrienne! Well, she never dumped me!”
Later in the day Michelle Obama unexpectedly responded to Trump’s “Legendary” tweet, encouraging the sexy singer/actor to be his sexiest self as possible.
“Don’t let anyone dim your light,” Obama twittered. “Like the dudes Barack and I have met in hoods all over the world, when Trump goes low, we need to go even lower.
“Fuck the Bastard!”