Modern History: Texas’s 2015 Victory Over the Union and Obama’s ‘Jade Helm’ Attack

Cheering Texans celebrated the South’s first victory over the Union since the Civil War, calling Gov. Greg Abbott a ‘war hero’

In July, 2015, church bells rang throughout Texas and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15” attack.

The 2015 Jade Helm Campaign

“We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted Texas Gov. Greg Abbott from his command headquarters, in an undisclosed desert location somewhere near the previously unlisted bunker-town of Wacko, TX.

Waving messages of congratulation and support from Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party inebriates, Abbott continued: “Obama was preparing to invade us but I put the Texas State Guard on alert to protect our guns, women and children. They seen ’em off pretty damn quick!”

The governor paused to drape himself defiantly in not one but two flags, Confederate and Texas, and several Remember the Alamo! stickers. The Tea Party hailed him as a “war hero.”

Abbot went on to note that under the guise of conducting the “Jade Helm 15” military exercises, Obama and his “nig – thugger friends” had been planning a lightning “Hitler-style blitzkrieg” attack followed by the declaration of martial law throughout the state.

The plan was to forcibly disarm patriots and imprison them in five Texas Wal-Marts recently closed for so-called renovation. They would then be compelled to become Muslims, their women and children sold off to Boko Haram as sex slaves, and the men dressed in orange jump suits before being beheaded on national TV.

The objectives included the annexation of Texas by the United States and the imposition of Sharia Law, otherwise known as “Obamacare.”

Abbott noted however that Jesus had given the Lone Star state its first military victory since the 1860s. In the aftermath, Texas would be rededicating itself to God, the Holy Constitution and the return of its gold from wherever the Federal government had concealed it.

“We believe in the Three G’s,” the governor said. “Guns, Gold and Geesus, not necessarily in that order.”

Abbott warned that from now on any protests by “the thuggers and their thugger-loving liberal friends” would be confronted by freedom-loving armed vigilante groups, the police and the Texas National Guard.

“Just like in Dallas,” said Abbott, referring to last May’s “Solidarity With Baltimore” demonstration. Silenced and intimidated by Texans Against Gun Grabbers (TAGG), a paramilitary organization wearing fatigues and armed with AR-15s, frightened demonstrators were quickly driven off the streets.

“Sorry, but our armed citizens were only there to ensure the demonstration did not turn into another Baltimore,” Abbott explained, quoting TAGG’s organizers.

“And nor will the rest of Texas,” he continued. “We’re well on the way to seceding again, and this time, No More Mister Nice Guy! Till then your thugger friends better keep their seat belts fastened and make sure they signal when they change lanes.

“And no more damn integrated pool parties. That’s just against nature.”