‘Listen, I’m disgusting myself, OK? You should just see me in the morning!’
NEW YORK, December 28, 2015
Presidential candidate Donald Trump yesterday defended his use of the word “disgusting” to characterize Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the last Democratic Party debate.
“When I said ‘disgusting’” Trump explained at a press conference, “I meant it in the best possible way, like schlong, which is simply the opposite of schlort.
“So lemme say that it’s great that Hillary’s girl parts are all healthy and working and she can bleed disgustingly from wherever,” Trump observed. “So you see, disgusting is good.”
“The fact that them good disgusting parts disqualify her and Carly Fiorina from being president, is just another great thing about her disgusting parts, like Carly’s face.”
“When I say something is disgusting, which I often do,” the next President added, “there’s nothing disgusting about it. Listen, patriotism is extremely disgusting – think of our invasion of Iraq!”
He went on: “You want more disgusting? You should just see me first thing in the morning! Now that’s disgusting!”
The very first thing he does after opening his eyes, Mr Trump said, “is to plant what I call a Funny Fart under the covers to wake up Melania! Then I shout, ‘I’m still not too old to cut the cheese, I mean the mustard!’”
He guffawed. “It works every time! Just one quick, ‘Oh man, not again!’ and that cute little Trophy Wife of mine is up and outa there faster than I can make our pink satin sheets billow a second time.
“Of course,” Mr Trump noted, adjusting his golden toupee, “it’s not just any farts that I fart, no Sirree, but the very biggest, juiciest and most disgusting farts produced anywhere in the entire world that day!”
He gave a noisy raspberry with this tongue. “Taught mine to go T…rrr…uuuuu…mp, you geddit? T…rrr…uuuuu…mp!
“Even my name sounds like a fart! Disgusting is really good!”
Other sources of daily Trump disgust, said the next President, are his disgusting thoughts about his “Playboy model” daughter, whom he disgustingly often dreams of dating.
However he is discouraged each morning by the sight of his own “wobbling pink belly, all moist and hairy” as he rolls out of bed.
“Never mind Ivanka, it makes me wonder what even Melania sees in me,” the great man muttered, squeezing his adipose paunch with two hands.
“Sometimes,” he said, “I think it’s just gotta be about my money, but she says she is really and truly and sincerely and undeniably and irresistibly attracted to loud-mouthed, narcissistic, overweight, fake-haired, sweaty, 69-year-old con-men with hyper-inflated egos and the dictatorial, sarcastic manners of a Slovenian petty bureaucrat.
“Quote, unquote.” Trump added. “She’s from Slovenia, you know.”
Then he said: “And of course I absolutely believe her! Isn’t that just disgusting? In the very best sense, of course.”