God-crazed TV evangelist announces construction of the First Church of Trump the Messiah, inside Kentucky’s Noah’s Ark facsimile
Televangelist Pat Robertson announced today that President Donald Trump is in fact Jesus Christ Himself, “come again, as He had promised, to bring us all to Rapture and Saviority.”
Rev. Robertson noted that just looking at the “Virgin” Melania, Trump Jesus’s harlot companion, had already made him “come again, rapturously.”
“Praise the Lord,” he added. “And please note the air quotes.”
The wild-eyed minister noted that the First Church of Trump Jesus the Messiah would be installed “as soon as possible” inside the new Noah’s Ark museum in Williamstown, KY.
“This should increase the number visitors quite a bit,” he continued, describing the expected surge as the “Trump Bump.”
Services will be conducted every day and twice on Sundays. Red “MAGA” baseball caps will be on sale for all worshippers.
“I realized that Christ the Trump was Our Lord’s Second Coming when it became clear that millions blindly believe in anything he says, no matter what the actual facts,” Rev. Robertson went on.
He noted among other articles of faith the Trumpists’ acceptance of Christ Donald’s claims of wire-tapping by “the Black Devil of Kenya,” His provision of health-care at a fraction of the cost for all those sick and tired of winning, the use of American and not Chinese steel in the North Dakota Pipeline, and the restoration of coal miners’ jobs even where there are neither miners nor coal.
“Above all, there’s no connection with Russia, none, nada, zip, nothing there at all,” he said, “and oh yes don’t forget the reduction of the country’s unemployment numbers by 40 per cent in just two months. If that ain’t a miracle, what is?”
Pat the Baptist, as he now wishes to be called, wound up by proclaiming Trumpery’s “Not-So Nicean Creed,” to be recited five times daily by the Lord’s true followers:
“I believe in Donald Trump our Christ and Savior,
Conceived by Wikileaks and St Vladimir the Divine,
Born bigly of the Grand Old Party,
Suffered under Barack Obama,
Was Crucified by Hillary,
Buried and Proclaimed Dead by the Rigged Fake News,
Descended in the Polls, Sad!
But in November rose again;
Ascended to the White House with a yuuge electoral majority,
Twits at the right hand of Bannon,
Will judge those who believe in Him
And God help those who don’t.
Amen, and a Few Good-looking Women.”