God Resigns, Effective Midnight: Calls Humanity ‘The Ford Edsel of Creation’

Creator finally rejects humanity, off to find a ‘New Heaven, New Earth,’ as prophesied in Bible

God resigned today, citing the appalling murders, rapes and tortures carried out everywhere in His Holy Name.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” the Deity said, speaking from a conveniently burning bush near the Golden Dome in Jerusalem.

“No matter what I allow,” He went on, “wars and holocausts and mass suicides, even the ritual slaughter of millions of humans and animals every day, not to mention natural disasters — nothing seems to slake humanity’s unquenchable thirst for blood.

“Lately, I have reluctantly permitted massacres and horrific deaths on an unimaginable scale, and still you bloody people want more.

“There’s one group — the Catholics, is it? — who literally drink my blood and eat my flesh, and even that’s not enough.

“And please don’t get me started on the real blood drinkers, because these days even Je Suis up here has to be politically careful.”

God sighed. “I can’t even frighten you people anymore by allowing Satan to torment your worthless souls for all eternity. Even Johnny Cash shot a man just to see him die.”

He shook His graying beard. “However, what brought it to a head for me,” He said, “is the sheer blood-crazed insanity going on in the Middle East right now. Enough’s enough!

“If I hear ‘Allahu Akbar’ one more time as a throat is slit or an 11-year old girl is raped, I’ll throw up, I swear to Me I will.”

God suddenly threw up, divine Vomit everywhere.

“You know, there comes a point,” the Primum Mobile finally went on, wiping off his beard, “when You just have to say to Yourself, ‘I fucken blew it, Baby,’ and move along.

“I was a young Deity four, five billion years ago when I started Earth, and now it’s time to use My experience. You guys are the Ford Edsels of creation, a good idea that never really worked.”

God said He would gladly leave behind all the sacred texts, relics and hallowed objects religions had accumulated throughout History.

“Those holy grails and magical stones and bones?” He laughed. “You can keep ’em. They’re of no value to Me anymore. They were just runes and symbols to get people’s attention and understanding, and obviously they failed. May they comfort you in your final days.”

God noted that soon after his departure, the earth itself would self-destruct.

“Even you guys sense that your species has a collective death wish,” He said. “Ironically, you’re smart enough to know it, but not smart enough to avoid it.”

“Anyway,” God wound up, “I don’t want to be around when this pretty blue planet goes kaput. I’ve put a lot into it, but thank Me there are several even better ones out there.”

The light from His burning bush slowly faded. “Yep, I aim to find Me a new heaven and a new earth,” he said, quoting Revelations. 21.1

“And this time, my former subjects, I’ma gonna do it right.”

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