Month: September 2017

The Constitution ‘simply represents an ideal’ that Americans should strive for, says the man under the floppy hairpiece Mussolini doppelganger Donald Trump said today that the American people should “consider suspending our Constitution, temporarily of course,” until what he called the “ISIS crisis” has been resolved and everyone is safe again. ‘Look, we all agree the Constitution is a holy document,” Trump said at a news conference Tuesday. “It’s like the Bible, inspired by God.…

Joan Rivers’ words of mass destruction were ‘too dangerous in the wrong hands,’ say police Soon after her death in 2014, New York City authorities sealed off Joan Rivers’ Upper East Side apartment, barring access to her famous filing cabinet of jokes and one-liners. Referred to in many obituaries and featured in the TV documentary Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, the wall-sized cabinet included thousands of note cards, arranged alphabetically by topic — politics,…

“Like my pal Dick Cheney, I believe what I did was the right thing,” says the flaming fuehrer. Interviewed last night via GoogleSeance™ satellite, former German Fuehrer Adolf Hitler said passionately that he has no regrets about his decision to invade the Sudetenland in 1938 Hitler added that he had been prompted to speak up by Dick Cheney’s “masterful interview” with Anderson Cooper last night. “God, I wish I’d had television,” he sighed, “especially Fox.”…

Three million gather on Boston Common to build snowmen giving Mecca the finger Families throughout New England yesterday defiantly posted “Je Suis Frostie” signs in their windows and on the snowmen in their front and back yards, following an anti-snowmen fatwa issued by a Saudi Arabian imam, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid. [Real Imam, real fatwah–Ed.] The “Je Suis Frostie” movement blew up spontaneously after the imam condemned snowmen as “anti-Islamic.” *The Koranic sage explained: “It…

Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney, Kim Jong-Un and others throw their hats in villainy ring with Stephen Hawking. Internationally renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said today that his wheelchair and distinctive motorized voice would make him the perfect pick to play a villain in the next James Bond movie. His ideal role would be as “a baddie in a James Bond film,” Hawking told Wired magazine, adding: “I think the wheelchair and the computer voice…

 ‘Woof, woof,’ says County Clerk’s new husband, still in the doghouse A  female South Dakota county clerk, overheard threatening to marry her dog after the SCOTUS gay-marriage decision, has followed through and tied the slip-knot with her “loyal, good-looking and extremely long-tongued” canine friend, Butchy-Wootchy. “Butchy and I have been together for nine years now,” said the former Miss Coochie Coo happily, as she scratched her husband’s long, furry ears. “Ours was a love that…

World leaders quick to respond to Putin’s stiff challenge Russian president Vladimir Putin announced in Moscow today that in light of World Cup fever, his government will sponsor a “World’s Biggest Dick” contest in 2016. “We need to distract people from the Crimea and the Ukraine,” Putin explained, stressing that only entries from certified world leaders would be allowed. “Ron Jeremy can keep his aging bird in its nest,” he added with a sarcastic laugh.…

At summit, N.E. governors say they’ll secede from the south because ‘Enough is enough!” The New England Governors’ Conference (NEGC) yesterday issued a “heart-felt and unanimous” declaration calling on the northern states and sympathetic west coasters to secede from the union and join with Canada. “Enough is enough, already!” said NEGC spokesman Charles (Charlie) Baker, governor of Massachusetts. “We the People are frankly sick and tired of being dragged through the mud by those racist…

‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders. Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs. The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him, and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly coming around and would certainly be there by election time.” He noted however that the Virgin…

‘Keeper of the Queen Corgis,’ Nancy Fenwick, Tells all in Shocking New Book The stunning news this week that Her Majesty the Queen is letting her Corgis die out was eclipsed by the even more shattering announcement that the former “Keeper of the Queen Corgis,”  Nancy Fenwick, is writing a “no-holes barred” (sic), tell-all book about the outrageous lives and habits of the dandy randy bitches at Buckingham Palace. The wife of former Royal Gamekeeper…