Three million gather on Boston Common to build snowmen giving Mecca the finger Families throughout New England yesterday defiantly posted “Je Suis Frostie” signs in their windows and on the snowmen in their front and back yards, following an anti-snowmen fatwa issued by a Saudi Arabian imam, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid. [Real Imam, real fatwah–Ed.] The “Je Suis Frostie” movement blew up spontaneously after the imam condemned snowmen as “anti-Islamic.” *The Koranic sage explained: “It…"‘Je Suis Frostie’ Movement Burgeons After Muslim Cleric Bans Snowmen"
Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney, Kim Jong-Un and others throw their hats in villainy ring with Stephen Hawking. Internationally renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said today that his wheelchair and distinctive motorized voice would make him the perfect pick to play a villain in the next James Bond movie. His ideal role would be as “a baddie in a James Bond film,” Hawking told Wired magazine, adding: “I think the wheelchair and the computer voice…"Stephen Hawking’s ‘Bond Villain’ Plan Spurs Imitators"
‘Woof, woof,’ says County Clerk’s new husband, still in the doghouse A female South Dakota county clerk, overheard threatening to marry her dog after the SCOTUS gay-marriage decision, has followed through and tied the slip-knot with her “loyal, good-looking and extremely long-tongued” canine friend, Butchy-Wootchy. “Butchy and I have been together for nine years now,” said the former Miss Coochie Coo happily, as she scratched her husband’s long, furry ears. “Ours was a love that…"South Dakota County Clerk Marries Dog, As Promised"
World leaders quick to respond to Putin’s stiff challenge Russian president Vladimir Putin announced in Moscow today that in light of World Cup fever, his government will sponsor a “World’s Biggest Dick” contest in 2016. “We need to distract people from the Crimea and the Ukraine,” Putin explained, stressing that only entries from certified world leaders would be allowed. “Ron Jeremy can keep his aging bird in its nest,” he added with a sarcastic laugh.…"Putin Announces ‘World’s Biggest Dick’ Contest, Expects to Win Hands Down"
At summit, N.E. governors say they’ll secede from the south because ‘Enough is enough!” The New England Governors’ Conference (NEGC) yesterday issued a “heart-felt and unanimous” declaration calling on the northern states and sympathetic west coasters to secede from the union and join with Canada. “Enough is enough, already!” said NEGC spokesman Charles (Charlie) Baker, governor of Massachusetts. “We the People are frankly sick and tired of being dragged through the mud by those racist…"Northern States Threaten to Secede from Union and Join Canada"
‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders. Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs. The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him, and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly coming around and would certainly be there by election time.” He noted however that the Virgin…"Jesus Christ Endorses Sen. Bernie Sanders for President"
‘Keeper of the Queen Corgis,’ Nancy Fenwick, Tells all in Shocking New Book The stunning news this week that Her Majesty the Queen is letting her Corgis die out was eclipsed by the even more shattering announcement that the former “Keeper of the Queen Corgis,” Nancy Fenwick, is writing a “no-holes barred” (sic), tell-all book about the outrageous lives and habits of the dandy randy bitches at Buckingham Palace. The wife of former Royal Gamekeeper…"‘Bitches in Heat’ and ‘Doggy-Style Sex’ at Buckingham Palace!"
God-crazed TV evangelist announces construction of the First Church of Trump the Messiah, inside Kentucky’s Noah’s Ark facsimile Televangelist Pat Robertson announced today that President Donald Trump is in fact Jesus Christ Himself, “come again, as He had promised, to bring us all to Rapture and Saviority.” Rev. Robertson noted that just looking at the “Virgin” Melania, Trump Jesus’s harlot companion, had already made him “come again, rapturously.” “Praise the Lord,” he added. “And please…"‘President Jesus Trump is Christ our Savior Come Again, at Last!’ – Pat Robertson"
“If we can’t bonk our students,” say professors in response to the new sex rules, “what’s the point of coming to class?” Nearly half the faculty at Harvard (49.2%) have submitted their resignations to the college over its new policy forbidding sexual relations with students. The group includes LGBT professors and graduate instructors alike, who say that their “constitutional right to the pursuit of random genitalia” is being “unacceptably infringed” by the new sex rules. “Like…"Harvard Faculty Resign En Masse Over New Sex Rules"
‘Why go all the way to Africa to kill lions? We’re running out of execution drugs, let them hunt death-row inmates here!’ says judge Alabama county Judge Arabella Squatpump has a unique solution to the problem of increasingly unavailable execution drugs – allow sports hunters like dentist Walter Palmer, killer of Cecil the Lion, to gun down condemned death-row convicts in special “execution zones.” “Thanks to the libruls, good execution drugs just ain’t available no…"Alabama Judge: ‘Let Hunters Gun Down Death Row Inmates’"