World-renowned crime fighter and iconic symbol of Truth, Justice and The American Way, Superman, announced today that he was giving up on earth.
“Let’s face it,” the Man of Steel said during his final interview on The Rachel Maddow Show, “America is over. Fifty years ago you guys stood for something good and positive. Freedom from want and fear, liberty of speech and conscience..
“But now it’s all just guns, bigotry, police violence, and greed, summed up in that disgusting creep, Donald Trump, and his heartless political mini-me, Joe Arpaio.
“You don’t need X-ray vision to see right through them. ‘Muslims and wetbacks keep out! Let the poor, sick and elderly starve! Do away with health care, education, the right to vote, civil freedoms, economic opportunities, the pursuit of happiness!’
Superman continued: “As for the Kochs. Mercers and Sheldon Adelsons of this world, I can’t fight for people like them anymore. They hardly even seem human to me, and I’m a real alien.
“What kind of soulless creature could sit on all that unused money, day after day, knowing that others are literally starving to death or dying without medicines? It’s honestly beyond me.”
The disillusioned superhero said that he had even considered reversing the planet’s spin so as to return us all to an earlier and better time, like in World War II when Americans really were greeted as liberators.
However astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson had counseled against it because all humanity would fly off the earth’s surface and be instantly destroyed.
Superman said he was thus simply going to up-and-away just as soon as he could change back into mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, and clean out his desk at the Daily Planet.
“After that,” he added,” humanity can just go to hell in its own customized hand basket without me.”
“Talking about being gay,” said Rachel Maddow, “do you think Batman and Robin will be able to serve in your place?”
“Not with Lois Lane, obviously,” the big man laughed, adding seinfeldingly, “not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
“However, no” he continued, “don’t expect those two to fight injustice and inequality. Bruce is a billionaire and Robin’s just his rent boy. They’re solidly one-percent. Strictly street-crime fighters.”
Superman said that America’s problems could no longer be solved by a sock on the jaw. or its international equivalent, the US military.
“What it’s going to take,” he said, “is the realization that you’re all in this together, and that together you’ll sink or swim, literally, given climate change. However, it’s pretty clear to me which way you’re going, so it’s up, up, and away for your favorite ex-superhero.”
Superman said that he would probably write his memoirs and publish them on the intergalacticnet.
“Maybe someday your descendants will be able to read them,” he said. “Though I really doubt your species will see out the current century. Trump and the oil companies will surely see to that.
Adjusting his red cloak, the mighty man in blue stood up, muscles bulging.
“And now, to infinity and beyond!” he laughed. “I always say that these days! Up, up and away is so last century. It’s the one memorable thing you suckers ever gave me.”
And with one mighty bound, humanity’s last best hope was forever gone.
- Purchase a copy of Michael Egan’s hilarious satirical collection of essays, Superman Abandons Earth from Amazon Books, https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=superman+abandons+earth